Feeling A Little Sad Today

15 04 2008

Today has been a very hard day for me.  Since May of 2003 (almost 5 years ago) I have been pregnant or breastfeeding a baby EVERY day except for July, August and September of 2006.  Other than that I have had a little growing in me or feeding from me.  Today I think Owen has been nursed for the last time.  He doesn’t nurse long, he isn’t getting enough and he just seems finished.

Now, you may think I am sad because it marks the day my baby is growing up.  That is one reason.  The other is hard to explain, the other is something that hits me deep in my gut and soul.  I feel like a failure!  I feel like I let my third child down!  I feel like I have not given him everything I gave the other two.  I let life get busy and because of the result my body has not been able to keep up with his demands.

Now, I know that there are people that are going to read this and think I am crazy….and I am!  I know in my head that I did the best I could and I gave him everything I had, but my heart isn’t listening.  It hurts.

I am going to try and nurse him for the last time this evening.  I may have to give him a bottle afterwards, but I will do my best.  Isaac’s last feeding was in his bedroom of our first apartment here in Louisville, KY.  I put on some sweet music and we just relaxed and he became my big boy.  Grace was in the spare bedroom at my friend’s parent’s house in Alabama.  We were vacationing there and she nursed her last time shortly after her birthday.  I want to mark Owen’s last time as well, I don’t want it to be like last nights feeding….Dave was at school, the house was a mess, the kids were running everywhere, I was overwhelmed and Owen was not having it.  I knew he needed milk, but he wanted to go to sleep.  He did sleep 12 hours straight!  But woke up ready for his big boy breakfast.

Pray for my heart and for me to handle this a little better.  Thank you.

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7 responses

15 04 2008
Tanya Thornton

I feel for you, Becky! I definitely know how hard/sad/emotional it is to stop nursing. I’m praying God will give you a peace about your decision and make it clear to you afterwards that it was the right one. You have already given Owen 9 MONTHS of the best possible nourishment for him! That’s a lot more than most babies get! Great job!

15 04 2008
momlovesbeingathome

What a sweet post. I pray that everything goes well tonight and that you have peace with the situation. I understand how hard it is too. I nursed my daughter (1st child) for 7 months without any problems but my son (2nd child) was pretty much impossible to nurse. I tried and tried with him for several weeks and most of the time not only was he screaming and crying because he wanted a bottle but I was heartbroken too. I pumped so he could at least have breast milk but I could not get him to nurse at all. It was a hard decision but I had to finally stop trying – it was just too hard on both of us.

15 04 2008
Annie

Becky – you made me want to cry. I know those feelings oh so well. It’s a frustrating time of feeling like you’ve let him down and yet knowing you’ve done all you could. I love you and miss you. Wish I were there to bring over a cup of coffee and sit in the guiet and visit with you. One day…

16 04 2008
ferrarohome

Thank you guys for your support. This has been harder than I would have ever imagined!

It is so comforting knowing that other moms have felt the same way before!

Love everyone of you!

16 04 2008
Laurie

I completely understand Becky! I still think back on the last time I nursed Dominic and have such bittersweet memories. I did extended nursing, so he was older, but it was hard to give up something that is such an incredible mother-child bond.

16 04 2008
Mandy

aww Becky. I feel tears coming to my eyes. I have felt that before and I know how it hurts. I just echo what everyone else has said. Praying for you.

28 04 2008
Family Update « Servant for Him

[…] 1/2 months.  He has weaned himself and it has been very hard on me.  You can read a post on that here if you would like.  Other than that he is so great.  He sleeps from about 7:30 til 6:30 every […]

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